It Was a Perfect 10th Anniversary ... Until It All Fell Apart

On the day of their 10^th wedding anniversary, Dave and Ann Wilson felt very differently about the condition of their marriage.

Dave thought everything was great. They had weathered a lot of struggles but also had experienced a lot of success. They had two young kids, and God was using them in significant ways—they were founding a new church, and he was chaplain for the Detroit Lions NFL football team.  

If you had asked Dave to rate their marriage on a 10-point scale, “I would have said a 10 or 9.8,” and he knew Ann would agree.

In other words, Dave was clueless!

Ann was disappointed, frustrated, and angry. She felt that Dave was spending so much time pursuing his ministry that he was neglecting his marriage and family. 

She says she also felt “a lot of guilt.” Because God seemed to be blessing their ministry, how could she complain? “When you’re in ministry, especially, it feels like you’re competing with God,” she says, “because all the things Dave was doing were wonderful, godly, amazing things that were expanding God’s kingdom. I felt very selfish and self-centered to say, ‘We need you at home.’”

For their anniversary, Dave planned what he thought would be a perfect evening. He took Ann to a nice restaurant and arranged for a waiter to bring them 10 roses, one at a time. And when each rose arrived, Dave talked about favorite memories from each year of marriage. 

As they drove home, Dave pulled into the parking lot of a school. He wanted to show Ann where their new church would soon begin meeting, but he also had another motive. He wanted to park!

He reached over for a kiss ... and Ann turned her head away. 

“Is something wrong?” Dave asked.

Ann didn’t want to ruin the evening that Dave had planned so well. “I didn’t want to wreck it for him,” she recalls.  

But when Dave asked again what was up, she admitted, “I’ve lost all my feelings for you. I have nothing, and I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re never home anymore,” she continued. “I know this has been a dream of yours and ours to build this church, to create this place where God could really move. But I feel like you’ve just forgotten us. When you are home, you’re not present. I started out super angry. Then my anger turned to bitterness. Then my bitterness turned to resentment. And now I don’t care.”

Dave sat in shock, and then began to do what he normally did in arguments—defend himself. He would pull out his calendar and show her when he was at home!

Then something happened that Dave says has only occurred a few times in his life. “I sensed the voice of God. It wasn’t audible—it was a strong Holy Spirit nudge ... I knew exactly what He was saying—it was two words: ‘Shut up!’”

So that’s what Dave did: Shut up and listen.

And when Ann was finished, Dave did one of the most courageous things I’ve ever heard a husband do.  

He told Ann that they needed to talk about all this, “but before we talk I need to do something, and I need to do it right now.” Then he got on his knees—in their small Honda Accord—and began praying. “God, I need to repent,” he said. “I am a lukewarm Christian. You know me. You know I’ve always hated that in the church. I’ve preached against it, and now I’m that guy. ... I’m asking You to make me the man You called me to be, the husband I’m called to be, the dad I need to be. I’m submitting everything to you.”

Then he found Ann on her knees beside him, praying, “God, I confess and I repent, too, because I’ve put my marriage and Dave in place of You. I repent of that. My happiness has been determined by him and his actions; that’s just wrong. I give You all of me, all of us—our future, our marriage.”

And then they both prayed, “God, take our marriage and make it great. We can’t do it apart from You.”

That experience was a turning point in their marriage. In fact, they made it a central story in a book they wrote years later, Vertical Marriage. They realized they couldn’t make their marriage relationship work unless they each had a thriving, intimate relationship with God. 

Dave and Ann told this story in this week’s episode for my YouTube channel, Inspiring Courageous Faith. I thought how much was at stake on that night so many years ago—the future of their marriage, their kids, their (eventual) grandkids, their new church that became a huge megachurch in the Detroit area. They eventually joined the speaker time for FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember marriage getaways.  And when I stepped down from FamilyLife Today radio after 27 years, the Wilsons took my place. You can still hear them on radio stations across the country and on the internet. 

When you experience conflict with your spouse, naturally you want to defend yourself and mix it up, and prove you aren’t at fault. It takes courage to humble yourself and repent. It goes against every natural impulse.

Yet that’s the way of faith. Jesus said the “great commandment” is, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” That means obeying and following God in every difficult circumstance or conflict, no matter what you think or feel. 

And then Jesus said the second foundational commandment is “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” When you're married, your first “neighbor” is your spouse, and loving your spouse as yourself means putting aside your own agenda and putting your spouse first.  

That’s what the Wilsons did on that night years ago. Everything they are today grew from that act of faith.

—with Dave Boehi

Be sure to watch Dave and Ann Wilson talk about “Vertical Marriage” on my YouTube channel. Part one is here, and part two is here.

If you haven’t been to my new YouTube channel, Inspiring Courageous Faith, you’re missing weekly videos that challenge you to walk courageously with Christ.  Check out our messages and videos, and be sure to subscribe!