The Power of Marriage in Healing the Pain of the Past: A Conversation with Dan Allender

It has been said that the person whose problems are all behind him is probably a school bus driver! Seriously, no one can say that he is totally free from his past. Problems we encountered as children most likely still confront us as adults. Things we were told we couldn't do right as children probably have become the things we can't do right as adults.

And when you married, you probably underestimated the impact of the past on your relationship. Each of you brought years of shaping and experience—both good and bad—into your marriage. You never know how your decisions, attitudes, and actions are influenced by the past.

No one has a flawless past. All of us have suffered from our mistakes and the mistakes of significant others--our parents, peers, coaches, teachers, and family members. The pain of the past has damaged the way each of you handle life and relationships today.

And that leads to a powerful benefit of marriage. God has given you a spouse who can help you understand your past and heal the damage. It may be difficult at times, and you may not like it, but when you allow your spouse—the one who knows you best—to speak into your life—it can be a powerful positive experience.

In my recent YouTube conversation with Dan Allender, he told a story that illustrates this truth. Allender is a therapist and author who has been a friend for nearly 40 years now. He’s about to celebrate his 50^th anniversary with his wife, Becky; they have three grown children and numerous grandchildren.

As we talked about Dan’s recent book, The Deep-Rooted Marriage, I asked him to tell one of my favorite stories from the book, about Becky’s courage in confronting him on a ski slope. 

On this particular day they were skiing with their young son, Andrew, on a mountain that was icy and difficult to navigate. Andrew was a good skier, but on this slippery slope he was terrified to go down. And Dan was getting frustrated and angry at his son.

Becky finally suggested to Dan, “Why don’t you go on down? I’ll get him down.” Dan agreed and descended the final couple hundred yards. But when he looked back up the hill, he saw that Becky and Andrew had not moved. 

He figured Becky was probably being too tender and kind and encouraging, and obviously it wasn’t working. So he took off his skis and hiked back up the slope to a point where he could re-attach them and return to their spot.

By this time Dan was, in his words, in a “cold rage,” a “don’t-mess-with-me rage.” Becky stood between him and Andrew, in a stance that declared, “I’m going to protect my son.”  

Dan said, “Move!” She refused.

And here’s the part of the story that I like best. 

Becky reached out her hand and put it over Dan’s heart. “I know the men who have humiliated you,” she told him, “and I know that is not what you want to do to your son. You are a good man.” 

And with that she skied away, leaving him alone with Andrew.

Dan was stunned. He thought of his father, of a coach, of other men who had not treated him well. She was calling up those memories, trusting he didn’t want to perpetuate the pain of the past. He looked down at his son, who was obviously terrified of him.

He sat on the ground with Andrew and said, “You saw my rage. You saw my anger. And I am so sorry. I know I terrified you. And your mother has called me to be a better man than I would have been.”

Then Andrew did something that Dan calls “one of the greatest honors I’ve ever gotten in my life.” He put his hand on Dan’s heart like he had just seen his mother do and he said, “You scared me, Dad, but I know Mom’s right. You can be a good man.”

Dan and Andrew figured out how to descend the slope, but that wasn’t the end of the story. Andrew skied down well, but Dan got tangled up and fell hard. Becky and Andrew rushed up to him, thinking he was hurt, but he was fine and they collapsed on the ground in laughter.

Dan says this is one of the key stories of their family history. I love it because it shows so many things: The courage of a wife in confronting her husband in the midst of his anger ... how often do you see that? The courage and humility of a husband and father in confessing his sin to a young son. And the power of forgiveness to help heal a father’s heart.

Becky knew her husband, and she understood his past. She picked the perfect time to lovingly recall that experience and call him to something higher, to break the chain, to avoid passing on the sin and pain of the past to his son.

Dan is an eloquent storyteller, and this is just a part of two compelling episodes we recorded for my YouTube channel, Inspiring Courageous Faith. Here’s the link to episode one, which includes the “ski slope story.”

By the way, Dan anticipated my favorite question, “What is the most courageous thing you’ve ever done?” His answer was “marry an unbelievably beautiful, kind, godly woman [when]I knew I was nothing compared to the quality and depth of her own life.” 

And based on the story of Becky’s confrontation on the ski slope, I think you could say that God blessed Dan’s courage!

—with Dave Boehi

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