3 Ways to Use Your Words to Encourage Others

Take a step back and look at life: It can be downright hard. It’s challenging. It can knock us down.

You are surrounded by people in your family, at school, in your neighborhood and at work who need someone to come alongside and help them get up. Others may need a good word. Some just need a hug. We all need words that give us grace.

I’ll never forget Barbara telling me what happened one day when the kids came home from school. She told one of our sons she loved him and gave him a “welcome home” hug. When she let go, he didn’t. He didn’t say it audibly, but it had been a hard day for this teenager, and he needed his mom’s hug.

In my blog post last week, I compared the power of our words to an ice pick and a paintbrush. I’d like to suggest one of the following ways you can use your paintbrush to bring healing and life to a canvas:

1. The brushstroke of appreciation.

I remember walking into a friend’s office and noticing a letter and a couple of books on his desk. They were from Dr. James Dobson, president and founder of Focus on the Family. Tom had made a donation and Jim sent him a thank-you note.

At the bottom of the letter, just below Jim’s signature, was the handwritten phrase: “I appreciate you.”

Those three words truly impacted me … they helped me realize that all of us need to be appreciated. I started ending many of my letters with that phrase. I suppose I’ve closed thousands of letters by conveying my genuine appreciation.

Barbara and I try to express appreciation regularly in our marriage. I thank her for being such a hard worker, for doing the laundry and folding my clothes, for giving me wise counsel, and for being my loyal friend. She expresses appreciation to me for picking up my stuff around the house, running an errand for her, going grocery shopping for us, and for cooking dinner.

The Scriptures exhort us, “whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully” (2 Corinthians 9:6). I wonder why I can be so stingy with expressing appreciation to those I love the most?

Application: Pray and ask God who He wants you to appreciate: your spouse, a friend, mentor/coach, your parents, a colleague at work, a child, or grandchildren. Then write a short note to express your appreciation. Or at the dinner table tonight, give everyone the assignment of expressing appreciation to each family member. It sure beats bickering!

2. The brushstroke of praise.

Praise has incredible value because it is a virtue seldom expressed. Perhaps that’s why Mark Twain quipped, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

One week, Barbara and I received a compliment from Susanne, who lives in Germany:

Dear Mrs. and Mr. Rainey, I send you this note from a town south of Berlin.

More than 10 years ago, I bought your book "Stille Zeit mit Dir" / "Moments with You". Year after year, I have been reading your book again and again ... the texts don't change, but I do! Still today, your daily messages encourage me, inspire and help me to find next steps for my marriage, our family and that is finally for me.

As we read those words, we experienced what Arnold Glascow said, “Praise does wonders for your sense of hearing.” I have a file that is bulging with encouraging notes that I’ve kept … because life is a challenge and I need to read them again and again.

Application: Catch your spouse, children, or your parents doing something right and praise them face-to-face or in a note or letter.

3. The brushstroke of belief and affirmation.

Marriage is one of God’s finest creations for us to hear words that authentically express belief in and affirm us for who we are. We all go through seasons that can suck the life out of us. We need the one who knows us best to express belief in us the most.

In the book Barbara and I co-authored, Building Your Mate’s Self-Esteem, Barbara shared:

“One of the strengths that Dennis brought into our marriage was a steady belief in me. When I am tempted to become overwhelmed by self-doubt, he rarely, if ever, joins me in my self-deprecating accusations. Instead, he reminds me of the truth. He tells me what he thinks about me—positively, of course, without lying or flattery. … His unwavering belief in me has given me the much-needed confidence I lacked.”

In essence, God assigned you to walk with your spouse through the ups and downs of life and be on his/her team. He needs your respect (Ephesians 5:33). She needs your love that casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). He needs you to be his cheerleader, to express belief in him. And when he fails, he needs you to gently encourage him to embrace the lesson and grow.

One woman I know uses words extremely well. Recently, when her husband was in the middle of some pressure-packed situations at work, her words of reassurance kept him going.  "You're all right.  I believe in you.  I'm confident you will make the right decision," she assured him.  "This will soon pass, but I'm ready to talk about it anytime and help in any way I can."

Expressing belief in your husband or wife assures them of your faith in their ability to perform in your marriage, your family, and his job.  Remember the bonus:  Your spouse will be motivated to prove worthy of your trust.

And if you have teenagers, consider how brutal the culture is on them —their morality, identity, and convictions are continually under attack. Your son/daughter needs you to remind him who he is and that God has a plan for his life. I don’t think you can read Ephesians 2:10 too many times to your teens. “For we are His workmanship [God’s work of art], created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Read that and watch them soak it up.

Application: Write a statement of your spouse's value to you.  Maybe it's a note in his lunch or in her suitcase.  Let your spouse know of how much you appreciate and value him or her. 

Be sure to watch my two-part series on “Words Are Seeds” on my YouTube channel!