When the Damage Goes Deep: Can You Honor a Parent Who Doesn’t Deserve It?

I have now spent decades helping people in their family relationships—teaching couples how to build lifelong marriages, helping parents learn how to raise their children with biblical convictions. And like any other person with my experience, I’ve encountered the dark side of humanity many, many times.

Perhaps most difficult have been my counseling sessions with children dealing with abuse from their parents. 

I remember a teenage girl who slept with her legs crossed because her dad assaulted her almost every night for six years.  I’ve heard stories of a dad who regularly whacked his sons on the face and hands with a two-by-four he kept by the dinner table. I’ve received training from the very best professionals. I’ve interacted professionally with numerous counselors. 

I’ve seen that the damage goes deep—much deeper than I could ever fathom.

I realize not everyone comes from a home like the one I grew up in. Some parents are evil. Wickedness personified.

So when I encourage adult children to honor their parents in obedience to the Fifth Commandment, I understand that some are not ready to face their abuser, let alone entertain thoughts of somehow honoring such parents. For some of you, even reading these words may trigger a huge swell of anger. You may feel I’m insensitive to your situation.

I am not insensitive.  And neither is God.

And I realize some parents might mock any effort to honor them. I cannot promise anyone a happy ending. Yet I also have seen that for adult children who were abandoned or abused, the process of honoring their parents may be a critical step of healing and perhaps reconciliation.

I think it’s important to understand that “honoring” parents in these situations does not mean acting as if they never hurt you. It does not mean excusing their sin, or accepting any implication that you were somehow to blame for neglect or abuse. It does not mean letting them manipulate or control you, and it doesn’t mean submitting to further abuse. 

It may mean little more than taking the initiative to establish a relationship with them. Giving them some help and support that they may need at their age. Showing God’s love to them even though they failed in their responsibility to show that love to you. 

Trusting in a sovereign God

Why is moving toward honoring a parent an important process for a child who is abused or abandoned? Here are a couple reasons:

1. We need to be obedient to God regardless of our pain. Humanly speaking, it doesn’t seem fair or even logical that God would expect victims of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse to honor the parents who abused them. This is hard to understand and often painful to accept. But because the Bible is God’s truth and shows us how to live, we are wise to obey Him and follow His direction.

Many abuse victims are led to believe—often by the very people who harm them—that they deserve the abuse and are somehow at fault. Nothing could be farther from the truth. But the victims are responsible for something else: how they live the rest of their lives. Bitterness and rage are certainly understandable in an abuse victim, but ultimately that victim must make a decision whether to allow God to bring comfort and healing.

Fortunately, the God of truth is also the God of grace (John 1:14-17). He is the giver of mercy and is patient with us as we go through life’s healing processes.

In fact, God has built a track record of taking things that were meant for evil and turning them into something good. The book of Genesis, for example, describes how Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery. But Joseph believed God wanted to use his circumstances for His purposes.

Joseph saw God’s fingerprints all over his life. Later, after God used him to save His people by bringing them to Egypt, Joseph told his brothers, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Genesis 50:20).

In the same way God can use your circumstances in an evil world to bring His good to your life and your descendants. God doesn’t cause evil, but He does allow it. And somehow He mysteriously weaves His purposes into our lives through people who are fallen, depraved creatures.

2. We may experience healing by going through the process of honoring our parents. The process can help move us from rage and anger, denial and ambivalence to an honest assessment of their fault and our responsibility. Ultimately it moves us to a trust in a sovereign God, and we always benefit from trusting God more.

As a teenager and young adult, Christy saw her mother only twice—for a total of fifteen minutes. Her mom couldn’t handle the resulting guilt from walking out of her marriage, leaving her husband alone to care for Christy and her two brothers. So she dropped out of their lives.

Her mom missed report cards, scraped knees, cheerleading, graduation, a college scholarship, a life-threatening auto accident, marriage, and the birth of a baby. Her only response to cards, letters and phone calls was a heart-piercing silence.

Yet Christy had a compelling desire to honor her mother by establishing a relationship with her. The command of Exodus 20:12 moved Christy to summon up all the courage and faith she could muster. Finally she decided to spend a few days with her mom and honor her in some small way. Christy’s brothers thought their mother didn’t deserve this kind of attention.

But Christy called her mother anyway. And her mom consented to see her. “I knew I could get blown out of the water,” Christy recalled. “Emotionally I was a wide-open target. My expectations were zero. I did not want to dredge up the past—I had forgiven her for all that. I wanted the opportunity to let her know I loved her and that I regretted not knowing her.”

The next few hours with this stranger called “Mom” challenged Christy to the core. Several times she nearly decided to leave because she was bored stiff and had nothing in common with this woman.

Finally, as she prepared to leave, Christy’s eyes met her mother’s. “Mom, I want you to know that even though I don’t agree with what you did, I still love you,” she said. “You’re still my mother, and no matter what has happened I think it would be good for us to get to know each other better. Would you like that?”

Her mom began to cry and said, “I thought you hated me all these years after what I did to you. I’ve missed you so much.”

A decade later, Christy had seen the relationship ever so slowly blossom with her mom. She admitted that she had to initiate 90 percent of the calls. Each call was a white-knuckle time of anxiety and knots in the stomach because of the fear of rejection. Yet each one was emotionally satisfying.

Her mom slowly learned to love, and began showing a growing interest in Christy’s faith in a God whom she had always disliked.  

Christy said honoring her parents was one of the biggest “life changing” events in her life (just behind coming to know Christ and marrying her husband). “Honoring my parents has freed me to love, to forgive, to be forgiven, to love my husband, and to be a mom to my kids,” she said.

Suggestions for honoring an abusive parent

If you are thinking seriously of taking steps to honor an abusive parent, you will need to commit to wrestling honestly with your past—the good and the bad, the joyful and the painful. Denial of reality is a very real enemy. You must wrestle with the feelings of mistrust, betrayal, and anger.

Following are some suggestions to consider as you begin. I encourage you to talk to your pastor or a mature Christian counselor who can guide you through the process of healing and help protect you from further abuse.

First, acknowledge any emotional shock, fear, and anger you may have at the thought of honoring your parents. These are real feelings. Fair feelings. But God calls us to live by faith, not by feelings. He also calls us out of our self-protection and preservation and into self-denial and self-sacrifice in relationships. Perhaps consider writing them out honestly and authentically in a letter to your Heavenly Father. He can handle your feeling of betrayal.

The second step is to take an honest inventory of the extent of your abuse. It’s interesting how often we want to avoid reality. Some abuse victims pretend their families are perfect and are unwilling to admit or confront past abuse. Others focus solely on the negative and refuse to acknowledge that their parents may have done even a few things well. Again, this step is best completed with the help of a competent, godly counselor

The third step is to thank God by faith for who your parents were in your life. Now I realize what an audacious suggestion this is! Yet 1 Thessalonians 5:18 commands us to give thanks in all things. By doing this in faith, we acknowledge that God never stopped loving us, that He is intimately aware of who we had as parents, and that He knows what He is doing.

The fourth step is to choose, as an act of your will, to forgive your parents for all the damage they’ve done to you. Again, this doesn’t mean excusing their sin; it does mean laying aside the desire to be the avenger of your wounds and getting even. Let God handle it. In Romans 12:19, Paul warns and promises, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 

God is bigger than your parents. You may never see how He handles it, but He will settle all accounts. It’s His promise.

When we are hurt, our natural tendency is to wait until the offender apologizes before offering forgiveness. So as you walk with Christ you understand the need to take the initiative to offer forgiveness even when the offender fails to acknowledge the offense. That’s what Christ did for us—He forgave us even when we were dead in our sin and didn’t ask Him to forgive us.

Brian’s dad had done an average job of providing but a poor job of loving. After Brian became a Christian, he began to realize he needed to give up the anger he felt toward his father. Over a period of months he moved from the murky waters of bitterness, rage, and anger to a clear, honest assessment of what his dad had done right and wrong.  Finally, Brian was able to forgive his dad and let go of his bitterness.  

Over the next few years, their relationship improved. When his father died, Brian stood by the casket and prayed with a genuine heart, “Thank you, God, for who Dad was and for who he wasn’t.”

Do you believe that God is big enough, powerful enough to do that work of grace in you? Ask God for the courage to take some small steps.

Finally, when you are ready, begin taking steps to honor your parents. For victims of abuse, this won’t be simple. It will involve prayer, immersion in the promises of Scriptures, counsel, and sacrificial obedience—all occurring over a long period of time.

Realize that your parents may refuse to be reconnected. For some adult children, the process of offering forgiveness to their parents and re-establishing a relationship results in a joyous connection with parents for the first time ever. But some parents don’t want to take responsibility for their failures. They may remain evil, hardened people—resisting your love.

Also understand that God commands us to honor our parents, not the abuse. We honor the person who has been given the position, not the evil, degrading acts. Not their wrong choices. Not their damaging, wounding acts against us.

Seek godly wisdom and counsel if you seek to build a relationship with abusive parents. If your case is severe—such as habitual sexual abuse or extreme emotional trauma. It may be wise for you to avoid personal contact. You also may need to protect your children.

For some of you, working through the process of honoring your parents may require a level of courageous faith that you feel is beyond you. That’s when it’s time to seek the love and comfort and power of God. Even during those times when you feel you’re walking through “the valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23), He longs to be your shepherd.

For more on honoring parents even when the damage goes deep, watch my podcast. We also have posted videos on honoring your mother and your father. Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch more videos about Inspiring Courageous Faith.