“Let Go and Don't Control”: Releasing Your Children to Adulthood

Llano, Texas, is known for its fields of bluebonnets and its mesquite-smoked, mouth-watering barbecue (get there before noon or all you’ll get is the aroma). For many years, it also offered a unique tourist attraction that was worth the trip to Texas Hill Country.

When Barbara and I visited, we saw a local “family” from a huge, well-worn turnout on Highway 29. High in a pecan tree was an enormous nest of eagles, and from about 100 yards away we could easily see watch the eagles and eaglets. (Alas, in 2015, the eagle pair that had made their home there came back and found out they were homeless. The pecan tree that held the massive nest had died and was no more.)

Majestic eagles are stunning to watch as they soar in search of food, but when the time comes for their eaglets to take flight, that’s when the real drama emerges. The parent eagles demonstrate a timeless truth for parents:  Let go and don’t control.

Usually, mom helps push them out of the nest after 12-13 weeks … I think she gets tired of providing all the groceries and is ready for them to begin the process of taking flight and moving toward adulthood. (True maturity for an eagle usually takes 4-5 years.)

One year, the eaglets refused to leave the nest for a full month longer than they should have; I guess they chose the comforts of home and a free lunch to the fearful first flight. The mother eagle even stopped feeding them in an effort to encourage them to fly. They all eventually “flew the coop.”

Another year, an eaglet fell out of the nest prematurely … a major loss for mom and dad and the locals.

As adult years approach, it’s time to think about letting go

Letting go of grown children is hard for parents of the human species. And for some children, it’s even more difficult to decide to leave.

Psalm 127:3-5 reveals a sliver of God’s heart and our assignment as parents: receive, raise, and release. God declares:

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they shall not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.

God could have chosen any metaphor to describe parents. He could have said, “A parent is like a gardener with a rake and hoe, sowing the seeds, cultivating them, protecting them and encouraging them to grow to fruitfulness.”

But instead God compares a parent to a “warrior” with a quiver full of blessed rewards, cleverly disguised by the Almighty as children. Each child is designed by God to be pulled out of the quiver, aimed and let go for a divine mission.

Arrows are meant to be released. It’s your divine assignment to let your children go. In our latest YouTube video, my wife Barbara and I talk about this and more in our series, “Loving Your Adult Children.”

Your children were not made for permanent residence in your house. Aim and let go. If you don’t let go and release control, will your children ever grow up and become the people God created them to be?

So how do we as parents wisely let go of our arrows? Here are eight tips.

1. Letting go starts literally with baby steps and continues throughout their lives. We let go of our children as toddlers learning to walk, through school years as they make friends and grow their own interests. In high school comes a big release when they begin driving. Then there are lots of release points as they become adults and leave the home ... for college, to live on their own, to get married and start a family.

I’ll never forget the day my mom and dad let go of their arrow … me! I had all of my belongings in the back seat of my white four-door, six-cylinder (Dad didn’t trust me with a V-8) Chevy Belair sedan. I had hugged them and said goodbye.

They didn’t formalize the event and tell me that they were letting go, but intuitively I realized even in my immaturity that they were launching me. I remember thinking, “It’s game day” … all the lessons they taught me were on the line.

As I backed out of our driveway, there they stood. Dad standing next to Mom, his arm around her, both waving goodbye. They didn’t see my tears as I drove away.

2. Letting go means understanding you can’t control their lives; they need to make their own decisions.  As they become adults, your kids will pull away and establish their independence. Often your proactive wisdom and teaching may be unwanted and unheeded. They will need to learn the consequences of their choices on their own.

J. Sidlow Baxter authored 26 books and wrote hundreds of poems, one for his eight-year-old daughter, Miriam, when she was at home with the mumps. His poem reminds us of the pushback all parents receive from children:

Thus generations, as they go,

Perpetuate the tale of woe.

They will not learn from yesterday,

But choose to learn the harder way—

“Experience” shall be the teacher, please;

And well he teaches—but what fees!

What fees he charges those he schools,

Before he makes wise men of fools!

How oft flogged scholars have confessed,

“Ah yes, poor Dad and Mum knew best!”

4. Letting go means establishing one or two very strategic relationships with those who are ahead of you in the parenting journey and asking them to mentor you in letting go. One mentor in Barbara’s life was a good friend, Jane Ann Smith, who also had six children. Her advice to us was this: Your children need you to get smaller in their lives, not bigger. Gradually pull away and let them make their own decisions. Get smaller!

5. Letting go means you retire as from your roles as teacher and coach. This is so difficult for many parents. Your kids have heard your sermons. Your lessons. They know what’s right. Stop leaving the radio in the car tuned to Christian radio stations hoping they’ll listen, or constantly sending them links on the internet to sermons, books, and suggestions about where to go to church. Letting go means you replace your rehab programs with your prayers on behalf of your child.

I know we are somewhat unique because we hosted a nationally syndicated radio program on marriage and family for over 27 years. I never expected that it could be a liability, but it was. One day one of our children said, “We’ve heard your stuff and listened to your lessons. It’s time for the teaching daddy to retire … we just want a relationship with you and Mom.”

This was very unnatural for us. For so long we’d been giving advice, direction and wisdom it was hard to stop. We all make mistakes in letting go. 

If they ask for help, give it, but don’t overdo it! Better to have them wanting more of you, not less.

6. Letting go means giving up control and manipulation of your child. Instead, take up the cheerleading role. Whether they are single or married with a brood of children, when in doubt button your lips. Don’t make that verbal judgment or observation … don’t give your child what you consider really “helpful hints.”

You are an original and so are each of your children. Let go and let them hammer out their own values … and make their own mistakes.

Repeat after me: LET GO AND DON’T CONTROL.

7. Letting go doesn’t mean you abandon your relationship with your child and “go dark.” It doesn’t mean you give up on the relationship and absolve yourself of all responsibility for developing a relationship. Call your children regularly (but be careful about calling every day). See them on holidays and special occasions. Take vacations with them when it works out.

And when a child does need something from you, be available. Sometimes they just want time with you. After one of our daughters married, she came to me and expressed the need for a “daddy-daughter date” like we used to have when she was growing up. She told me she’d talked with her hubby about it. They knew we didn’t want to interfere in their marriage and family, but I’d gone a little too far in letting go, so she came with a gentle invitation for more time.

Our date was a blast! 

8. Letting go means you do not rush to rescue your child every time they fall and fail. A parent’s heart, especially a mom’s, is wired to protect from ouchies, bruises, and road rash. And the form of these bruises changes as they grow older.

Be very careful about rushing in with money when an adult child experiences financial struggles. Part of adult independence is establishing financial independence—and unfortunately that often means learning from your mistakes.

At times, there will be special needs that you may be able to help meet—help for a down payment on a home, or funds for rehab programs. But even those can backfire. Rehab programs have their place in helping a child get free from addictions, but they can also prey on a parent’s sense of responsibility for their sheep. I know of one woman who went through rehab programs that cost $30,000-$50,000 per stay … eight times at her parents’ expense! It was clear her parents were trying to protect her, but they finally realized they needed to let her hit bottom and grow up. You may not like this, but it may be the best way to help is to let your adult child hit a wall and feel the consequences.

Homework

Here’s your assignment should you choose to accept it:

1. If you still have teens at home, or in college, ask them: “Do you think I am a high-control parent? Or ask it this way, “Am I too involved in your world?” If so, explain please.”

2. Ask your adult children:

• “As a child out of the home, have you ever felt like I was trying to control you? If so, how?”

• “What is one thing that I as your parent need to understand about you or do that will help me have a better relationship with you?”

3. If they are married:

• “Have I (or we) ever interfered in your marriage by giving advice?”

• “Have we said too much?”

4. If they have children, ask:

• “Have I/we as grandparents ever overstepped your boundaries with your children? If so, in what ways? What can we do differently?”

The bottom line is this: Letting go empowers your children to assume responsibility for their lives, learning how to be independently dependent upon Jesus, and experience the satisfaction that comes from following Him and making wise decisions.

This is the ultimate goal of Christian parenting. May you pray as never before, believing always that God loves your child far more than you even could.

Be sure to watch more on this topic in the series Barbara and I have put together on “Loving Your Adult Children.” It’s available now on my YouTube channel.