She’s More than Somebody’s Mom—She’s My Mom

By Dennis Rainey

Whether your parents are living or have passed away, it may be time to take honor home to them.

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are just around the corner and I have a challenge for you that could change your relationship with your parents and your life: Write a tribute to your mom and another for your dad.

A tribute is a written statement honoring your parents for what they did well in raising you. It’s a powerful application for the fifth of God’s 10 Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”

There are many ways to honor your parents, but a tribute is especially powerful on special occasions when the family is gathered together—Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays.

A tribute also gives you the opportunity to avoid the regret so many adult children feel at a parent’s funeral, realizing they didn’t say what they wanted while a parent was still living.

My mom, Dalcie Rainey

In February of 1985 I wrote my very first tribute to my mom. I started by writing down a list of favorite memories, then thought of things I’d learned from her, and important character qualities I saw in her life. I then crafted all this into a personal statement of how I felt about her:

She’s More Than Somebody’s Mom

When you were 35, you carried me in your womb. It wasn’t easy being pregnant in 1948. There were no dishwashers or disposable diapers, and there were only crude washing machines and long lines to hang mountains of cloth diapers. After nine long months, you gave birth to me. Breech. A difficult, dangerous birth. She still says, “You came out feet first, hit the floor running, and you’ve been running ever since.” Affectionately she calls me “The Roadrunner.”

A warm kitchen was her trademark—the most secure place in the home—a shelter in the storm. Her narrow but tidy kitchen always attracted a crowd. It was the place where food and friends were made! Mom, you were always a good listener. You always seemed to have the time…because you cared.

Certain smells used to drift out of your kitchen—the aroma of a juicy cheeseburger drew me like a magnet. There were green beans seasoned with hickory smoked bacon grease. Sugar cookies. Pecan pie. And the best of all,your chocolate bonbons at Christmas.

You weren’t perfect. Once when, as a mischievous three-year-old, I was banging pans together while you were on the phone you impatiently threw a pencil at me. The pencil, much to your shock, narrowly missed my eye and left a sliver of lead in my cheek . . . it’s still there as a reminder that I didn’t always respect you as my mom.

Another time when I was five years old, you tied me to my bed because I tried to “terrorize” my older, teen-aged brother by throwing a toy gun at him. It narrowly missed him, hitting your prized antique vase instead. 

I’m sorry mom.

You taught me the meaning of forgiveness too. When I was a teenager you forgave me when I got angry and took a half-hearted swing at you (and fortunately missed).

The most profound thing you modeled was a love for God and people. You always loved family and friends. Compassion was always your companion. You taught me about sacrificially giving to others even when I knew you didn’t feel like it.

You also taught me about accountability, truthfulness, honesty, and transparency. You modeled a tough loyalty to dad for over 45 years. I always knew divorce was never an option. And you took care of your parents when old age took its toll. You also went to church ... faithfully. In fact, you led me, as your six-year-old son, to Jesus Christ in your Sunday evening Bible study class.

Even today, your age doesn’t stop you from fishing in a cold rain, running off to get Chinese food, or “wolfing down” a cheeseburger and a dozen bonbons all with me.

You are truly a woman to be honored. You indeed are more than somebody’s mother . . . you’re my Mom.

“Mom, I love you.”

Dennis

February 1985

I had this typeset and framed it and sent it to her. Looking back, I wish I had taken it to her personally and read it to her face-to-face with my family watching. But I was afraid that as I read it I’d break down crying and wouldn’t finish.

Three days after she received it, she called me. She was obviously touched by her surprise gift. Immediately I knew that this simple gesture had genuinely communicated things I had clumsily tried to say for years.

I knew she would like it, but I was unprepared for the depth of her appreciation. She hung it right above her table where she ate all her meals.

She shared it with family members, the TV repairman, the plumber (who, she boasted proudly, asked for a copy), the cable man, and countless others who have passed through her kitchen.

Later she told me that when she felt down emotionally, she would read the tribute and think, “How can he write that about his mean, old mom?” Seeing that tangible representation of my love on the wall above her breakfast table reminded her of the truth. Who knows how often she read it, just to get a little encouragement?

My mom received her graduation papers to heaven in 2001, and the one keepsake I wanted from her home, the tribute, now hangs in my office … right next to the tribute that I wrote to my dad, after his death.

The process of writing a tribute

The impact was so profound, in her life and in our relationship, that I began to share the story with others and encourage them to fulfill the fifth commandment and honor their parents. Ultimately I wrote the book, The Forgotten Commandment, and when I asked readers for copies of tributes people wrote to their parents, letters began to stream in to my mailbox. That mailbox became a treasure trove of powerful stories of forgiveness, healing in relationships, and spiritual growth accompanied those tributes.

Here are a handful of tips in beginning the process of ultimately writing your mom’s tribute:

My Mom and Dad (who was a great father as well) in our living room.

1. Pray and ask God to help you remember those character qualities, memories, and relational highlights that you can use to honor your mom. If you had a tough childhood, you may want to ask a friend to pray for you as you go through this process.

2. Begin to jot these memories down as you recall them. This could take a week or a couple of months … don’t panic if they don’t come immediately, the point is to begin to capture those memories. Barbara took nearly a year, but the tribute she wrote to her parents was magnificent.

3. Think creatively how you want to present your tribute. Do you want to frame it? Put it in a book? Include a drawing, or photos?

4. Begin writing … and don’t worry about editing, just write. You (or someone else) can edit later. Spill your thoughts, heart, and love on paper or on a computer and just keep writing.

5.  Write it to your mom (or dad).  My earliest mistakes in writing this was not writing it in “first person”, to my mom, not “about” my mom.

6. After you have your rough draft, ask your spouse or a friend who can look it over and give you feedback and perhaps edit it.

7. When you finish the tribute and put it in its final form, make the trip ... go and read it to your mom and take a few pictures with her afterward.  Tip:  take or invite your children to witness you honoring your mom.  Yes, you will cry, but it’s okay.

You may not have time to put together a tribute this year for Mother’s Day. So do something else to honor you mom and save this idea for the future. 

Also, recognize that writing and presenting a tribute may not be wise in your situation. Or you may need to wait until you’re ready. If your relationship with your mother was abusive, for example, or is problematic even as an adult, I recommend getting some advice from godly friends or a counselor. Honoring a parent can be an incredible blessing, but there are many ways to do it, and writing a tribute may not always be the best choice.

But my guess is that most of you reading these words will be intrigued by the idea of writing a tribute. So here’s my challenge: Are you ready to embark on the incredible journey of truly honoring your mom?

Make a commitment to “no regrets!”

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