Identify the Pressure Points in Your Marriage

Take this test to measure the level of stress in your marriage relationship and in your home life.

By Dennis and Barbara Rainey

As a kid, I loved birthday parties. The cake. The candy. The sugar high. The presents. The games—like “Pin the Tail on the Donkey.”

And then there were the balloons—in every shape and color. The balloons were a blast. We’d sit on them. Hammer each other with them. My friends and I would rub them against our hair to create static electricity and then stick them to the walls.

Balloons were great fun. Still are.

These days, of course, you can buy those fancy foil helium-filled balloons from just about any grocery store. Have you ever watched them fill up those babies? If the worker puts too much air pressure into a balloon, it bursts every time. Balloons are a thing of beauty … as long as you maintain the right amount of pressure.

In the same way, marriage is a beautiful gift from God. But the pressure principle at work with balloons also applies to marriage. 

All of us experience various levels of pressure. Periods of calm, followed by intense, riveting challenges. That’s life. That’s normal. That’s expected. The key is to make sure you and I are not so over-inflating our calendars, finances, and commitments that we find ourselves at the breaking point.

Make no mistake. Pressure in your marriage, unless  it is courageously  and aggressively addressed, always leads to problems—and perhaps to tragedy.

By the way, that’s why I’ve created a four-part series on pressure on your YouTube channel. All four parts are now available if you click here.

I once received a letter from a husband and father named Charles who described what happened when the pressure in his life exceeded his capacity: “One day I just hit a brick wall. I turned my back on everyone and everything I held dear. I felt overwhelmed by life, the demands of my job, family, and finances. Instead of turning to God, I totally freaked out.”

He described an affair he had with a coworker while his wife was home nursing their 12-week-old daughter and caring for their three-year-old son. If only Charles and his wife had taken the time to identify the level of pressure building in their marriage. I’m convinced that, had they known how close to the edge they were, they could have taken steps to release some of that destructive pressure.

Test your pressure

How about you? Is your marriage, like a balloon, sailing along on a gentle breeze? Or is it about to burst?

Let’s find out. In the following quiz, place a checkmark in front of the answer in each section that best describes your family life. Keep in mind no family is perfect. No home is the ideal place to live. No marriage is perfect—as Barbara and I can attest.

Even so, if you are going to get a snapshot of how you and your spouse are doing—and how pressure might be endangering your marriage—honest answers will help you identify the problems.

Ready?

1. At the end of the month, our finances are:

__ 1) Okay, with a little money left over.

__ 2) Tight. It’s a challenge every month and I feel pressure to make ends meet.

__ 3) Strained to the breaking point. We’ll be in big trouble soon if something doesn’t change.

__ 4) Melting down. The pressure to stay afloat is about to sink me.

2. Our children’s schedules are:

__ 1) Light.

__ 2) Full. But we’re staying on top of it as a couple.

__ 3) Hectic. At times I feel like their schedules are controlling us.

__ 4) Out of control. Our lives revolve around their schedules. It’s been this way far too long and there’s no end in sight.

3. How is communication in your marriage?

__ 1) It’s not a major problem.

__ 2) We need a little help here and there.

__ 3) We have major communication problems, and it’s causing a lot of pressure.

__ 4) What communication? We stopped meaningful communication a long time ago. Why try?

4. How do you handle conflict in your marriage?

__ 1) We pretty much resolve our conflicts as they occur.

__ 2) We often resolve conflict well, but we also fail to address some conflicts and this can lead to bitterness and frustration.

__ 3) We don’t resolve conflict well at all. I’m a peacemaker and my spouse is a prizefighter (or visa versa)!

__ 4) We are in separate bunkers and growing embittered toward one another.

5. When it comes to our vehicles:

__ 1) Our car is paid for.

__ 2) We owe less than $5,000.

__ 3) The total of our monthly car payment(s) is more than $700. I wish we didn’t have the pressure of meeting the payment every month.

__ 4) We lease our cars and are going to get socked with hefty extra mileage charges at the end of the lease. I hate the pressure that’s putting on us.

6. The health of the individuals in our family is:

__ 1) Generally fine. Just the usual runny noses, scrapes, and bruises.

__ 2) Mostly good with an occasional sick child or parent.

__ 3) Not so good. Chronic pain or illness afflicts one or more of us.

__ 4) Awful. We’re always affected by health-related issues.

7. When I’m with my spouse:

__ 1) We use words of affirmation or praise with each other. Sometimes we linger over breakfast or dinner and work hard to connect with one another.

__ 2) My spouse tends to look at his phone, watch TV, or engage in some distraction while I’m trying to express myself.

__ 3) Our conversation is abrupt and devoid of genuine love or care. We’re polite, but all

business.

__ 4) We lash out at each other more and more. I get steamed at least once a day over something my spouse says.

8. When I’m at home with my family:

__ 1) Game playing, laughter, and hugs punctuate the normal ups and downs of life. Our home is a welcoming place.

__ 2) Sometimes I wish my spouse would demonstrate a greater interest in the children and me.

__ 3) Yelling, slamming doors, or cold silence is becoming normal. Our home sometimes feels like a motel filled with familiar strangers.

__ 4) I don’t like being at home. I often try to be somewhere else.

9. Expectations in our marriage are:

__ 1) Generally met or exceeded. I’m pretty satisfied.

__ 2) Sometimes met, sometimes not. I can tell there’s a little pressure because of it.

__ 3) Often not met, I’m feeling the pressure that something must

change—and soon.

__ 4) Being replaced with resentment toward my spouse. I feel ripped off in this

relationship.

10. When it comes to divorce:

__ 1) We’ve never even used the word with each other. I know divorce is not an option, nor would I ever agree to one.

__ 2) It’s crossed my mind once or twice.

__ 3) The pressures in our marriage bring the possibility of divorce to mind on a regular basis. 

__ 4) I can’t take the pressure in this relationship. I’d get divorced if it weren’t for the kids. Friends and family are urging me to walk away from it all.

11. Are aging parents adding stress to your marriage?

__ 1) Our parents are either gone or are doing well on their own. They don’t take much of our time.

__ 2) Our parents are increasing their dependency upon us. We feel responsible for their well-being at least some of the time.

__ 3) We care for one or more parents regularly, and we’re feeling pressure in our time and our finances.

__ 4) One or more parents live with us and we are responsible for their care. Frankly, it’s

weighing heavily upon us and draining the life out of our marriage and family.

12. For our family, our house:

__ 1) Isn’t perfect, but we like it and can afford it. We have it decorated mostly the way we want.

__ 2) Requires payments that stretch our budget. We have little money for extras like

curtains, paint, or furnishings.

__ 3) Does not meet our needs. I’m stressed out all the time because there’s nowhere to put stuff and the kids need their own bedrooms.

__ 4) Is falling apart. We’re in “constant repair” mode. I hate where we live, and I wish we could move.

13. My in-laws:

__ 1) Are really nice people. They’re helpful and are a good influence on our kids. They don’t pressure us to visit or do things with them.

__ 2) Are good when we spend time with them as they like. But we are increasingly feeling the tug and pull to be with them more often.

__ 3) Sometimes make me uncomfortable when they put their noses in our business. They pressure me to do things, like raising our children, their way.

__ 4) Never leave us alone. It’s as if they’re monitoring our lives on video cameras, watching our every move. We’re stifled; I can’t take their manipulation and pressure from them anymore.

14. Our children:

__ 1) Are a joy to have around. We have lots of laughs together and function well as a helping, encouraging family.

__ 2) Are pretty good kids. They seem to have an upbeat attitude. They’re involved in school activities and have good grades.

__ 3) Tend to be withdrawn, and even secretive. I wish I knew how to connect with their world.

__ 4) Are isolated from us and hostile. They’ve made it clear they dislike us. We’re feeling the pressure of what to do about it.

15. As a couple we:

__ 1) Pray often, even daily, and sometimes work on a Bible study together.

__ 2) Pray at meals, holidays, or when a crisis comes.

__ 3) Don’t talk about the Lord much outside of church. Even then the conversation quickly turns to safer topics. We almost never pray together.

__ 4) Clash. My spouse is not a follower of Christ, and sometimes disparages my faith.

16. How is your love life?

__ 1) We enjoy a healthy, romantic relationship with a few adjustments along the way.

__ 2) We have to work at this area, but we’re generally meeting one another’s needs.

__ 3) This area isn’t working. The bedroom has become a pressure-filled battleground.

__ 4) We’ve both lost hope that we’ll ever have a normal sex life together.

17. How are your moods?

__ 1) My spouse and I are both even tempered and easygoing.

__ 2) There is an occasional mood swing by one or both of us that can result in some uneasy moments.

__ 3) There is a lot of pressure created by different moods in our marriage and family life.

__ 4) Mood swings are a way of life and keep things in a constant state of disruption.

18. Do you share the same parenting values?

__ 1) We’re in synch on most child-raising issues.

__ 2) We occasionally have a sharp disagreement on how to discipline our children.

__ 3) We continually struggle with our differing values on how to raise the children.

__ 4) Values? We’re from different galaxies.

19. The past has:

__ 1) No grip on either of us.

__ 2) Occasionally causes tension for one of us.

__ 3) Haunts me and/or my spouse.

__ 4) Paralyzes us with stress and keeps us from moving forward in our marriage.

20. The role of being a spouse is:

__ 1) Not all that difficult. We both had good role models and know what’s expected of each other.

__ 2) Creating tension in me. Both of us have a fuzzy and incomplete picture of what it means to be a wife and husband.

__ 3) Upside down. We’ve flip-flopped our roles and it’s causing an enormous amount of pressure in our lives.

__ 4) Causing major problems. One or both of us is clueless about the responsibilities that come with being a husband or wife.

Add up your score by totaling the numbers adjacent to each checkmark. For example, if you placed a checkmark next to the third response on a question, add three points for that answer. If the checkmark was next to a one, add one point to your total.

The lowest possible score is 20, the highest is 80.

Write your total here:

Write today’s date here:

In general terms, and based upon what we’ve witnessed in the lives of thousands of couples, here’s what your score is telling you about the level of pressure in your marriage and home life:

If your score is between 20 and 34, give thanks. This is about as good as it gets.

If your score is between 35 and 49, begin tackling the pressure points while there’s time.

If your score is between 50 and 64, this is your wake-up call. You’re close to the edge.

If your score is between 65 and 80, seek professional counseling immediately.

It might be interesting for you and your spouse to take the pressure test separately—and then compare notes. Why? Remember the letter from Charles? Apparently he didn’t see the warning signs that he was about to explode. Neither did his wife. Both failed to measure and manage the pressure that had been building in their marriage for several years and reached the point of no return. 

And you might consider looking over your scores for each of the questions and circle one or two that you need to seek wise counsel on how to take a little of the pressure off.

That’s why, like checking the tire pressure on your car, assessing the stress in your lives and marriage by taking this pressure test together is so important.

I’ve just finished a four-part video series on pressure on our YouTube channel.  For even more help click here to find it!

Adapted from Pressure Proof Your Marriage © by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used by permission. Excerpt may not be reproduced without prior written consent.

This is too good to keep to yourself! Share with a friend using the links below!