I’ve spent a lifetime learning about how to satisfy my wife’s romantic needs. That means meeting her physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
By Dennis Rainey
If you ask a woman, “What’s the purpose of romance?” usually she will reply with words like friendship, relationship, endearment, and tenderness.
And how do you think most men will answer that question?
Probably with one of the shortest words in the English language—SEX! For them, physical oneness and affirmation of their manhood equal romance.
Can two people with such different perspectives have their expectations met? Absolutely!
But creating adventurous romance requires planning and enthusiastic effort. The relationship has to be a top priority. One reason so many marriage beds are frozen or boring is that couples just don’t make time for romance and sex. Too many husbands and wives try to work sex in between caring for children, watching TV, and checking their social media feeds.
Let’s face it. Many of our other activities get the best of our resources and energy. Jobs get our best. Children get our best. Church can even get our best. We make entertainment a high priority. But are we saving any of our best for romance in marriage?
The Rainey Rainbow Room
When we had children at home, Barbara and I worked hard to save some of our best for each other. Our children learned over the years that Mom and Dad often like to have quiet evenings alone. When the children were younger, we occasionally turned the kitchen into a famous big-time restaurant called the Rainey Rainbow Room and let each child order a special meal from a special menu. Barbara and I served as chef and waiter, and the kids had a great time learning a little bit about how to eat out.
Then, later in the evening, they knew they were to stay in their rooms, not coming out for anything except bathroom runs. At 8 p.m., Barbara and I turned our bedroom into our own romantic cafe, complete with a small table, candles, and flowers (when I remembered to pick them up). Perhaps a little music playing in the background.
There we would eat, talk, and relax. As we communicated, we were reminded of what attracted us to each other, and romance had an opportunity to ignite. We didn’t have to worry about a babysitter and didn’t have to leave the house to get away alone.
It takes time
To make romantic interludes like this work, you must schedule them and then take the time to follow through. If I have learned anything in our marriage relationship, it is that romance, cherishing one another, and sex take time. And they deserve our best.
I’ve also spent the better part of my marriage learning and adjusting the following summary of a woman’s romantic needs. The list was developed through much observation and conversation with Barbara and other women. I also have learned a great amount from the best book ever written on romance, passion, and sex—the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament. Obviously, a woman has more than five romantic needs, but I consider these to be the top five:
1. A woman needs her man to minister to her spiritually.
Are you surprised that something to do with candy and flowers isn’t number one on the list of romantic needs? A husband can be a spiritual protector and advocate for his wife by praying with and for her daily, putting his arms around her, and saying, “I want to ask God to bless you. I want to take any needs you have in your life right now to the Lord. And I’m going to pray for you throughout this day.” A wise husband takes the lead in sharing Scripture and eagerly initiating conversation on spiritual issues.
A husband can contribute to his wife’s spiritual well-being by giving her some time to pursue her spiritual growth. For example, he might take care of the kids by himself for the evening while she attends a Bible study.
I suggest that every young husband who wants to better understand his wife and his job description should read The Christian Husband, a book by my friend and former colleague Bob Lepine.
2. A woman needs to feel safe and secure with her husband.
A woman needs to feel her husband’s covenantal commitment to keep his promises, to stay married, and to love and accept her. Then she feels safe to give him the gift of who she is in the marriage relationship.
I have said this many times, but NEVER ever threaten her with the “D-word” (divorce). Remember your wedding vows? Didn’t you promise a lifetime commitment?
If you have already used the D-word, take her in your arms, look her in the eyes and confess that expression for what it is … sin! If your kids heard you, go to each one individually and confess that it was wrong … that you’ve asked their mom to forgive you … then ask each of them for the same forgiveness. And let them know that their mom and you are going for the silver (25-year anniversary) and ultimately “you are going for the gold, your 50th!
The Shulammite woman, who was the object of Solomon’s passion, left no doubt about her husband’s and her commitment: “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” (Song of Solomon 6:3). She obviously had a strong sense of contentment and security.
A wife needs to know that romantic intimacy is just between her and her husband, that he will not share any personal details with his friends. She should not feel pressured or fearful. She should experience the love that casts out all fear (1 John 4:18).
3. A woman needs intimate conversations with her husband.
I once read that the typical couple spends only four minutes a day in meaningful conversation with each other. A lot of us husbands don’t realize that for our wives to consider us romantic, we first need to be a great friend and a conversationalist.
Grunts and one-word answers to questions just don’t cut it! Too many women feel their husbands don’t really need them, and bare-bones conversation confirms their sense of low personal value.
The bottom line: Your wife and lover needs to know what’s going on in your life!
Many men who were accomplished at romantic, deep conversation during courtship seem to lose this talent later. You can rediscover the groove! Make a commitment to make intimate conversation a priority with your wife. You need to talk and fill her in on the details of your life—not just facts but feelings, such as:
· What you are struggling with…
· Your fears, perhaps about growing older.
· Your dreams, aspirations, and vision for the future.
· Your guilt about a mistake you’ve made with her, the kids, or at work.
You may be tempted to think that’s sappy and “just not me!” But open the door and let her in and then give her the keys to probe and ask any question she wishes to ask you.
When a husband sincerely shows his desire for conversation and a deepening relationship—emotional intimacy—over time he could find that his wife is much more interested in sexual intimacy. Her dreams, hopes, desires, and disappointments then are not separated from the marriage bed but are a part of it.
4. A woman needs to receive a tender touch and hear gentle words from her husband.
Before marriage, two people in love can hardly keep their hands off each other because they find the touch of their beloved thrilling. What happens after they’ve been married for a while? Some would find a firm handshake a wildly intimate encounter.
This shouldn’t be the case in your marriage. There is great power in tender touch, even if it’s just a long, full-body hug or a lingering kiss. Or the touch may be a gentle caress of her face that has no motive to make sexual demands but communicates, “I love you, Sweetheart, and I care for you.”
Gentle words have similar power. Here’s a partial list of some things that I think any husband could use in complimenting and praising his wife: her charm, femininity, faithfulness to God, hard work, beauty, personality, her love, her receptivity and responsiveness to you as a man, her advice and counsel, character, desirability, friendship ... and that’s just a start. What wife won’t respond to a husband who praises her regularly with gentle words for these qualities?
5. A woman needs to be pursued and set apart by her man.
A wife wants a husband who will sweep her off her feet, carry her away to the castle, and say, “Let’s spend time together.” Focused attention is like precious gold in a relationship.
One time Barbara and I had a little unresolved argument kick off our weekend. Not until our customary weekly date night on Sunday evening did we finally have the time and environment to fully discuss and resolve the issue. What it took was a couple of hours away from digital media, phones, children, schedules, papers, and bills. Your wife craves this focused attention from you.
To build a strong marriage where you and your wife are experiencing oneness, you must be committed to satisfying her physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. I hope you both enjoy a lifetime of satisfaction!
Some of this blog is used by permission from our book Starting Your Marriage Right © Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee. All rights reserved.
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