After decades of married life, I’ve learned a few things.
By Dennis Rainey
Four decades ago, I married Barbara Ann Peterson. Looking back now on the first 12 months of our marriage, I’d have to describe myself then as an idiot—repeatedly ignoring the dignity of the woman that God had brought me.
But after six children, over 20 grandchildren, and decades of married life, I’ve learned some things. Here’s a list of 40 lessons from over 40 years of marriage … and family … and life.
1. Marriage and family are about the glory of God.
Genesis 1:27 makes it clear: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” From the beginning, marriage has been central to God’s glory on planet Earth. The Bible begins with a marriage and ends with a marriage. What God designed, lifted up, and gave a transcendent purpose, man has dumbed down.
Many today make the purpose of marriage to be one’s personal happiness—of finding another person who meets my needs. God created marriage to reflect His image, to reproduce a godly heritage, and to stand together in spiritual battle. Your marriage, your covenant-keeping love, will be your greatest witness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Marriage is about the glory of God—not about the happiness of man.
2. Marriage is taking place on a spiritual battlefield, not on a romantic balcony.
Satan’s first attack on the image of God was to destroy the image-bearers’ relationship with Him. Then Satan went after Adam and Eve and their relationship with one another. If he targeted marriage to begin with, why would we think our marriages would be any different?
I think we often forget that our marriage—our family—can be targeted by the enemy to destroy the image-bearers—to destroy the legacy that is passed on to future generations.
I believe that the very definition of marriage is under attack today because of who created marriage, God.
3. Your spouse is not your enemy.
Ephesians 6:12 tells us that our battle is not against flesh and blood. Have you ever looked at your spouse in the morning as your enemy, asking God, “What did You do in bringing us together?” I have.
But the Scriptures tell us, your mate is not your enemy. Your spouse is a gift from God to you. In all of your spouse’s imperfections, God has given you a gift. You can either receive it by faith, or you can reject it.
4. The couple that prays together stays together.
In the first months of my marriage, I went to a friend named Carl Wilson and said, “Carl, you’ve been married 25 years. You’ve got five kids. What’s the best single piece of advice you can give me, as a young man who’s just starting out his marriage?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” he said. “Pray with your wife every day.”
I said: “That’s it? ‘Pray with your wife’?”
“That’s it.”
So I went home, and Barbara and I started praying together. This worked really well for a couple of months … until the night when we went to bed facing opposite walls. Although it wasn’t the most comfortable position physically, it expressed where we were spiritually and emotionally.
There seemed to be a tap on my shoulder that night, and it wasn’t Barbara. God was speaking to me in my conscience. He said: “Hey, Rainey! Aren’t you going to pray with her tonight?”
I said, “I don’t like her tonight!”
He said, “Yes, but you made the commitment to pray every day with your wife.”
I replied, “But God, you know that in this situation, she is 90 percent wrong!”
God said, “Yes, but it was your 10 per