By Samuel Rainey
First posted on EverThineHome.com
Note from Dennis: For the next six weeks, I’m proud to share a series by my son, Samuel, on rebuilding trust in marriage. As a professional counselor, Samuel has helped more couples than he could count on this crucial issue in marriage. I hope you enjoy this week’s blog post as he discusses the first tool in rebuilding trust: owning your mistakes.
Introduction
I've broken many bones in my body, but there was a stretch of three consecutive years when I broke an arm. If you've ever broken a bone you know that the healing process is neither fun nor fast. It's painful, it takes time, and it usually requires the help of others. Yet when the healing is done well, the place where the break occurred will usually become the strongest part of the bone.
The problem with an incorrect healing process is that when the bone heals without an external aid, it ends up healing incorrectly. This is why my left pointer finger is crooked: I didn't seek help when I broke it while wrestling with my boys over 15 years ago.
Like the bones in our body, a relationship cannot stand without the bones of trust. Unfortunately, these bones get broken, just like those in our body. It’s painful when breaks occur in a relationship. Sometimes the healing process feels more painful than the break itself.
Most relationship issues I encounter in my counseling office are a result of broken trust. Stories like infidelity, workaholism, addictions, lying, gambling, and many other life-changing situations. How we handle money is another common story of broken trust, and that’s why Rashad and Susanna called me.
They sat down on opposite ends of the couch, turned off their phones, and stared at me. After a moment of waiting to see if either of them would talk about why they were here, I asked how I could be of help. Susanna quickly took the opportunity to speak and over the next few minutes described the ups and downs of their 13-year marriage. She described how great they do together when they’re on vacation or away from the everyday stressors of their three kids and two dogs.
All of what she was saying sounded like pretty common marriage challenges, but I had a sense that there was something bigger concerning them. She finished her recap and looked at Rashad. He sharply asked her if that was all that she was going to share. Looking somewhat defeated, she said that he could share the rest.
“She’s a shopaholic, and has been lying to me about money for years,” he said. “We’ve been dealing with this issue for our entire marriage. She keeps promising she’ll stop, and just last week I found another credit card with over $11,000 of charges. I just can’t trust her anymore.”
Over the years, Rashad and Susanna had met several times with their pastor on this issue. But the problem persisted. Rashad would say, “How can I trust her if she keeps doing it?” To which she would respond, “I promise that I won’t do it again!”
One of the most beautiful, yet difficult, realities as followers of Jesus is that we are called to forgive others. Ephesians 4:32 says this, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (NIV).
Forgiveness is really hard to give when the behaviors of the other person don’t seem to be changing. Rashad and Susanna kept showing up week after week, and after almost a year of working together they were able to reconcile in a way that neither of them had experienced before. From my seat, there were two reasons they had this new experience of forgiveness.
First, early on it became clear that Susanna’s way of coping with painful and stressful challenges in life was to shop. She realized that her shopping addiction started in college when her parents divorced and then declared bankruptcy. Identifying this helped Rashad to see that her lying and spending was not about her being a malicious person; she was reacting to a lot of pain. He found compassion for her, which helped to quiet his feelings of anger and resentment.
Second, Susanna worked really, really hard at following the plan we developed for rebuilding his trust. She didn’t do it perfectly. Yet over time she grew more able to get back on the plan. Rashad began to trust her more each day because he saw that she was truly putting in the work we had all agreed upon.
I heard a biblical scholar talk about how the Psalms follow a repetitive structure and process. There are Psalms of orientation, dis-orientation, and re-orientation. When tragedy happens in life, we get disoriented. Rebuilding trust in relationships is the process of reorientation. Discovering a new way to relate. So many people get caught up in trying to “get back to the way it used to be” thereby missing the opportunity to heal what’s been broken.
I’ve found that there are six specific tools that you need to rebuild trust. These tools can be done without the participation of the other person, they can be used on their own, or in the specific order I am going to lay them out.
The tools:
Own your mistakes.
Tell the truth.
Delay gratification.
Make amends.
Follow through.
Use your powers for good.
Each of these six tools are great to practice on their own. And you’ll probably experience growth in doing so. But combining all six together is like a trust-building super-tool. I’ve yet to see anyone utilize this super-tool and not find tremendous benefit in their life. When couples do this process together, it’s pretty amazing to see the transformation in their relationship.
Tool #1: Own Your Mistakes
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.”~ Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV)
Owning your mistakes is the foundation upon which all the other tools rely on. It’s like learning how to do math—you first have to know the numbers before you can add and subtract.
Trust requires that you own your mistakes ... admit them and take responsibility for them without blame. Without justification. Without explanation. Pure unadulterated ownership will breathe life and hope into a weary relationship.