Initiative Is the Essence of Manhood

It’s time for men to begin step up courageously and take the initiative as husbands and fathers.

By Dennis Rainey

Why is it that some men initiate great tasks and conquer overwhelming obstacles at work and remain so passive in relationships or in leading at home? It’s like it’s a disease that infects the male species.

One successful business leader confessed to me, “I can lead my company of several hundred employees to accomplish our goals, but as I look at my four children seated around the dinner table, I don’t know how to lead them in what the Bible says about how they are to live their lives.” He went on, “It scares me to death.”

I believe that initiative is the essence of manhood. Nothing comes to the man who is passive ... nothing … except failure.

Men were not designed by God to be spectators, sitting on the sidelines. Real men embrace responsibility rather than making excuses and look for solutions instead of casting blame.

Over the years I’ve done a little inventory of my own life; I’ve listed some of my own lame excuses for why I haven’t initiated.

Excuse #1:“Taking the initiative is hard work and I’m tired.”

I hate to admit this, but pure selfishness is the cause of most of my passivity. In years past, after solving problems at work I just wanted to go home and vegetate, watch television, and not get involved with the smaller issues such as helping with homework, cleaning the kitchen, or putting the kids to bed. And I certainly didn’t want to deal with the bigger issues such as repairing a breach in my relationship with my wife or addressing a disciplinary issue with a child.

I’m happy to say that I usually I forced myself out of my easy chair and into situations that I would rather have ignored. Initiative demands courage, sacrifice, and self-denial.

Excuse #2: “I don’t know how to initiate.”

When I was single, developing a relationship with a woman felt risky. The learning curve was steep. Later, as a husband, at times I found it easy to abdicate leadership to my wife. As a dad I knew I needed to develop a relationship with my daughters and take them on dates, but what were we supposed to talk about? Other responsibilities, like having a “birds and bees” conversation with my children, were awkward and easy to rationalize putting off until sometime in the future.

Excuse. #3: “Taking the initiative means I might fail.”

It may mean I’ve already failed and it’s easier not to risk failing again. Whether it was asking a young lady out on a date when I was single, or leading my wife in planning, discussing the family budget, hammering out boundaries and discipline for the children, or just the basics of leading my family, I found that the fear of failure created a huge gravitational pull toward passivity.

But real men face their fears and take action. And when they do, great things can happen.

Just ask my friend Tom Elliff.

The 10 questions

For many years, Tom and his wife, Jeannie, would get away each year for a weekend away together. They read Scripture together, they prayed, and had a wonderful time talking about their lives.

One year Tom decided to elevate the discussion and, in the process, open himself up in a way few husbands ever do. He developed his list of questions over a few months, basing them on issues he knew were of concern to Jeannie, and then sprung them on her during a retreat in the Rockies.

Here’s the list:

1. What could I do to make you feel more loved?

2. What could I do to make you feel more respected?

3. What could I do to make you feel more understood?

4. What could I do to make you more secure?

5. What can I do to make you feel more confident in our future direction?

6. What attribute would you like me to develop?

7. What attribute would you like me to help you develop?

8. What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy?

9. What would indicate to you that I really desire to be more Christlike?

10. What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish?

You’re probably thinking, “There is absolutely, positively, no way I’m ever going to ask my wife questions like that!”

That type of vulnerability takes courage.

“I was almost blown away”

When I interviewed Tom and Jeannie on my radio program FamilyLife Today, I asked her how those questions made her feel. Jeannie replied that the first thing that crossed her mind was a sense of tremendous honor that her husband wanted to know how she felt about important issues in their lives. “I was almost blown away,” she recalled. “It was wonderful.”

Tom reviewed these same 10 questions with Jeannie many times since that first breakfast. When Tom told me about this experience, I couldn’t help but think it was a perfect illustration of 1 Peter 3:7, which instructs husbands, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life …”

Asking these questions, and actually listening to the answers, helps a husband understand his wife’s heart. It connects a husband and wife to each other in a deeper way, and makes them accountable to each other.

This is the type of love, understanding, and initiative we are called to as men.

Spiritual initiative—the most frightening of all

Over the years I’ve challenged men to take the initiative and improve their marriages in another way. This action requires bedrock courage.

No, it’s not initiating sex. By comparison, that’s risky indeed, but nowhere nearly as challenging as … praying daily with your wife.

Now some men already are praying daily with their wives. But I’ve seen that look of hesitation and even fear in the eyes of many men when I’ve given them this challenge. It’s way out of their comfort zone.

I’ve prayed with Barbara daily for more than five decades. I seriously wonder if we would still be married had it not been for this spiritual discipline of experiencing God together in our marriage. At its core, prayer involves surrender to God and inviting His presence into our marriage relationship. It has kept us from building walls in our marriage, it has forced us to forgive one another, and it has kept us focused in the same direction.

Can you imagine what would happen in your marriage, in your family, if you showed that type of initiative and courage?

My encouragement is to set a goal of praying together every day for 30 days. If you miss a day, then pick up again tomorrow and pray together. My experience is that the men who initiate prayer with their wives have a dramatically different relationship with them in less than two years. After giving thousands of men that challenge, it finally occurred to me: If a husband and wife truly yield to God and invite Him into their marriage relationship … almighty God will change them and their marriage.

And when God shows up, people change!

Adapted by permission from Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood, © by Dennis Rainey, FamilyLife Publishing. 

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