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How Do Men and Women Differ in How They View Sex?

We believe that sex is a beautiful, God-given desire that can bring a husband and wife together in oneness.


By Dennis and Barbara Rainey


We believe that sex is a beautiful, God-given desire that can bring a husband and wife together in oneness. We also believe sex is a thermometer that measures the depth of the relationship—its presence or absence often indicates the level of commitment and intimacy in other areas of your marriage.


For sex to be truly satisfying to both partners, each has to risk being totally open and vulnerable to the other. Each person in the marriage should feel needed, wanted, accepted and loved sacrificially. And one of the keys to building this type of relationship is understanding the general differences between men and women in how they view sex. These differences cause certain expectations on the part of men and women that often lead to misunderstanding, frustration, and disappointment.


The chart that follows is a general guide to the differences between men and women in this area. Obviously, this chart is not absolute comparison—it compares the general tendencies and differences between men and women and how they view sex.

Differences in Sexuality

ORIENTATION


Men

Physical

Compartmentalized

Physical oneness

Variety

Sex is high priority


Women

Relational

Wholistic

Emotional oneness

Security

Other priorities may be higher

STIMULATION


Men

Sight

Smell

Body centered


Women

Touch

Attitudes

Actions

Words

Person-centered

NEEDS


Men

Respect

Admiration

Physically needed

Not to be put down


Women

Understanding

Love

Emotionally needed

Time

SEXUAL RESPONSE


Men

Acyclical

Quick excitement

Initiates (usually)

Difficult to distract


Women

Cyclical

Slow excitement

Responder (usually)

Easily distracted

ORGASM


Men

Propagation of species

Shorter more intense

Physically oriented

Orgasm usually needed for satisfaction


Women

Propagation of oneness

Longer, more in depth

Emotionally-oriented

Satisfaction often possible without orgasm


How much of what you read in this chart is true of your own sexual relationship with your spouse? When we read through information like this, we are reminded of how God takes a man and woman with such different needs and uses those differences to complement each other—to create a “one flesh” relationship.


Differing needs


Most men tend to focus on the physical aspects of a relationship. They are stimulated, drawn, captivated by the sight of their wife. They get excited or at least interested quickly by visual or physical stimulation.


Most men can be ready for physical intimacy in minutes. Once sexual release is in the forefront of his mind, it becomes dominant in his focus. Men at this point are ready to move ahead with the process of seeking sexual release through intercourse.


Generally, men put a much higher priority on sex than women do, and women have a different orientation that demands a different approach. A woman is more oriented to the relationship. A man wants physical oneness; the woman desires emotional oneness. Sight, smell, and the body stimulate a man. Touch, attitudes, actions, words, and the whole person stimulate the woman.

A man needs respect, admiration, to be needed physically, and respect. The woman needs understanding, love, to be needed emotionally, and time to warm up to the sexual act.


The man’s sexual response is acyclical, which means anytime, anywhere. The woman’s response is cyclical, which means she goes through times when she is more interested in sex than others. A man responds sexually by getting excited quickly, while the woman is much slower. During sex, a man is single-minded, while his wife might be easily distracted wondering about the children, the doors, the noise outside, or other minor things going on around them.


The last major difference is the release or orgasm. Most of the time a man’s sexual release will be relatively short, intense, and intensely physical. This should not trouble a wife; God made your husband this way. You see, this intensity was not meant to impede a relationship, but to enhance and strengthen it. One result of this powerful sexual release is a sense of closeness that a husband feels toward his wife. Even if he does not express it, God has put it in his very nature. He is drawn to his wife in a way that meets this most personal of needs.


Failing to understand


Husbands will create conflict in a relationship when they focus on the physical side of sex and forget that the woman needs the relationship. And wives often fail to understand how a man’s self-image is vitally linked to his sexuality. Many wives express that they are offended because their husbands are such sexual creatures. This attitude communicates rejection to a man. To ignore his sexual needs, to resist his initiation of sex, or merely to tolerate his advances is to tear at the heart of his self-esteem.


We encourage you to pray together about your sexual relationship. Pray for yourselves, that you each will be selfless. Ask God to give you the wisdom and strength to meet each other’s needs. The Holy Spirit can guide you and lead you to be a better lover. Now you may say, “the Holy Spirit wants to help me be a better lover?” Absolutely!