top of page

Defeating the Number ONE Enemy in Your Marriage

By Dennis Rainey

Maintaining harmony in marriage has been difficult since Adam and Eve. Two people trying to go their own selfish, separate ways can never hope to experience the oneness of marriage as God intended. The prophet Isaiah portrayed the problem accurately more than 2,500 years ago when he described basic human selfishness like this: “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way” (Isaiah 53:6).

Selfishness is possibly the most dangerous threat to oneness in marriage. It affects how we talk to each other, how we divide responsibilities in the home, how we resolve conflicts, and even how we spend our time.

What causes us to refuse to admit we’re wrong in a conflict? Selfishness.

Why do we ignore our spouse’s needs and spend too much time in outside interests or with friends? Selfishness.

What causes us to fight each other for control of our finances? Selfishness.

Why do we manipulate our spouse to do what we want? Selfishness.

Whether you are a husband or a wife, satisfying ourselves can be the default setting of how we go about our lives. After nearly 50 years of marriage, I believe it is impossible to be selfish and have the richness of marriage as God designed it.

Just how do we avoid reaping the bitter fruit of selfishness in a marriage and savor sweet fruit that comes from denying ourselves?

Surrender is the key

It’s time for my confession: In our first years of marriage I was more than a bit selfish. After being single for nearly 25 years, I was skilled at looking out for my own needs. But when I took Barbara as my wife, I assumed a new and lofty responsibility—loving Barbara as Christ loved the church. That kind of love demanded death to self, but my “self” didn’t want to “die.”

After we were married, it didn’t take Barbara long to learn about my tendency to be lazy, which was closely linked to my enjoyment of television. I thought Saturdays were mine to thoroughly enjoy as I pleased. Following the pattern I’d learned from my dad, I would get soft drinks and chips, crawl into my chair, and settle down to watch hours of baseball, football, tennis, golf—it didn’t matter what the sport. I just wanted to become a giant amoeba, a blob of molecules with flat brain waves mesmerized by hours of being transfixed with the “boob tube.”

What was wrong with this picture? Barbara needed my help in doing tasks and running errands. Then when children came into the picture, SIX IN TEN YEARS, I discovered another “law” of the universe: YOU CAN’T DO MARRIAGE AND RAISE SIX KIDS SUCCESSFULLY AND BE SELFISH SIMULTANEOUSLY!!

Marriage offers a tremendous opportunity to do something about selfishness. Someone may say, “There’s no hope for my husband … I can’t get him to change,” or “What’s the use? She’ll never be any different.”

Barbara and I know there is hope because we’ve learned to apply a plan that is bigger than human self-centeredness. It’s the same plan that Jesus called for when He called the 12 to be His disciples in Matthew 10:38-39. Jesus said, “Whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” And again in Matthew 16:24-25 He taught them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

As we have followed Jesus and sought to deny ourselves, we’ve learned how to set aside our selfish interests for the good of each other as well as for the profit of our marriage.

Willing to be last